My Little Angel Princess
by No Fate 1990
Summary: This poem is about Conrad and Nicolette's miscarriage. This poem is told through Nic's point of view.
1. My Little Angel Princess

The heavens opened and the little life growing inside me sought comfort elsewhere. Shrouded in

mystery, no heartbeat was found. Fire, rain, and pain seeped through the cracks. I was as barren

and useless as a tree during wintertime. OH, how I longed to be free from this misery! Something

within me said give love and life a chance.


	2. A Lost Chance, A Missed Dance & Sunrise

Conrad's p.o.v

A lost chance, a missed dance and sunrise with you.

You were unplanned, but always wanted and loved.

You were meant to be born into this world of mine.

You were torn away from me too soon. Now that

you are gone, I am not fine at all. Who knew I

would hold you in my mind and heart instead

of my actual arms?


	3. Somehow I Have Failed You Again

Nicolette's p.o.v

Just as when things are starting to get better,

Winter threatens to steal my joy. Somehow I

have failed you again. Please stop saying it

is not my fault.


	4. Still I Believe In The Impossible

Conrad's p.o.v

You save all of your best lines and smiles for me.

I can sense that you are longing for something that you can't have.

Still I believe in the impossible. Constantly, we run in a circle around

this tiny precious miracle.


	5. A complicated story of pain and sorrow

Nicolette's p.o.v

Sad, I observe the flood of cars passing by the hospital. I remember the time when Conrad drove me to the hospital for an emergency D&C. I can barely eat my lunch

because I miss my little princess so much.


	6. Please Stop Pushing Me Away

Conrad's p.o.v

You shut down and I can't get rid

of that frown on your pretty face.

I know how much you feel empty

and broken inside. Please stop

pushing me away.


	7. You Would've Been A Great Father

Nicolette's p.o.v

He reaches across the table for my hand. "I love you" he confesses making me smile. "I see and

know how much you care about your patients. You would've been a great father" I praise him.

"Thanks" his voice cracks with pain and sorrow.


	8. Echoes of What Could've Been

Conrad's p.o.v

Lingering around day and night

Echoes of what could've been

A trip down memory lane

Forever haunting me


	9. Sights &Sounds of A Deferred Pipe Dream

Nicolette's p.o.v

False hope

A new begining

Sights and sounds of a deferred pipe dream

This incredibly bright light

Amazing Grace

You are my only hope and second chance


	10. The Patients Who Took Me Back There

Nic's p.o.v

A low income young couple visited my clinic. They were experiencing a miscarriage. My heart bled

for them. I remembered my own miscarriage. I wanted to help them, but my emotions got in the

way. I referred them to the hospital. On my behalf, Conrad provided the best treatment for them.


	11. Even Now They'll Never Know

They'll never know -Ross Cooperman, They'll Never Know

Place: Chastain

Conrad's p.o.v

Nic pulls me into a nearby supply room. I wonder if she wants to makeout. She gives me a hug

instead of a kiss. "I thank you for taking care of my patients. You are a total lifesaver" Nic praises

me. "You are welcome" I smirk. There is a hint of sadness in her pretty brown eyes. "Your patients

lost a baby. You are probably thinking about our own miscarriage" I assume. The word miscarriage

stirs something deep within Nic. Seeing her cry breaks my heart. "They'll never know" I assure her.


	12. Penelope Was Her Name

Nic's p.o.v

Yet again, we meet in the supply room closet. We shut out the world. "Penelope was her name"

Conrad shares with me. He had helped out another patient of mine that lost a baby girl. Conrad

holds me tightly as I cry. "Our daughter's name was Penelope" Conrad recalls breaking my heart

even more.

* * *

Time Period: A Flashback

Situation: The Miscarriage

Nic's p.o.v

Before going to bed, I stare at my reflection. I savor and cherish this image, my beautiful twenty

week old baby bump. Conrad and I didn't plan for our daughter, but we love her anyway. We are

planning to name her Penelope. Anyhow, I wish goodnight to Penelope and myself. Unlike

previous nights, I have a hard time with falling asleep tonight. I am experiencing cramps plus

abdominal pain. There are bloodstains on both my pajamas and bedsheets.


	13. A Crushing and Yet Liberating Process

Conrad's p.o.v

A crushing and yet liberating process

Learning to accept your loss


	14. Your Wretched Deliverance, Amazing Grace

Time Period: A Flashback

Situation: The miscarriage

Place: Nic's hospital room

Conrad's p.o.v

The doctor couldn't detect a fetal heartbeat. He declared our baby to be dead. Basically, the

pregnancy was unsustainable. We were devastated because we had many plans for our

daughter Penelope. An emergency D&C gave us a brief opportunity to bond with Penelope.


	15. Even Now We Share The Same Pain & Sorrow

Conrad's p.o.v

Not today will she pray and find healing for her broken heart. Life's circumstances have shaken her

to the core. Even now we share the same pain and sorrow. We struggle to plan for tomorrow. We

struggle to address the big elephant in the room. How long must we wander in this desolated

barren dry land?


	16. Tolerance, Patience, and Grace

Nic's p.o.v

Pressuring me to come clean

A push back into the right direction

Tolerance, patience, and grace

Infinitely many signs of love

My soft good side

Even now it is a passing memory


	17. Ashes of Yesterday and Tomorrow

Conrad's p.o.v

Tears streaming down your face

Ashes of yesterday and tomorrow

Your secret regrets and burdens

Lingering violent storms

Our invincible scars and bruises

Really tall wooden crosses

Even now they will not disappear


	18. God's Strange Sense of Humor and Mercy

Nic's p.o.v

Dancing all alone in the dark

Red bleeding hearts

An open door into wonderful great unknown

God's strange sense of humor and mercy

Reopening my heart and eyes


	19. Even Now You Are An Imaginary Rainbow

Conrad's p.o.v

Barely existing with a soul or heartbeat

Even now you are an imaginary rainbow

This world is ready for you or maybe not

Still you want me wonder what if?

You tie a really tight knot around my heart and vice versa


	20. When You Reopened The Abyss & Floodgates

Nic's p.o.v

When you reopened the abyss and floodgates,

I dived right in. I rode on an emotional roller coaster.

I felt broken instead of whole inside. The hole

in my heart increased in size. I was

stuck and trapped in a purple haze. It was

my longest darkest day and hour ever.


	21. Endlessly & Passionately Longing For You

Conrad's p.o.v

Endlessly and passionately longing for you,

I consider you to be my miracle. If I remember

all the good times instead of the bad ones, will

I stop running in a circle? Will it be possible for your

heart to beat in tune with mine again? Maybe baby,

you will see and know how much that I care.

Endlessly and passionately longing for you, is

a new begining or more false hope is on the

horizon for me.


	22. I Deserve Much Better Than This Bad Luck

Nic's p.o.v

I am going under really fast.

My future nor my present reality

will be able to outrun my past.

The rolling thunder hears

and echoes every cry and scream

of mine. I dream and see everything

in shades of red and black. I

deserve much better than

this bad luck.


	23. You Were Never At Fault Here

Place: Conrad's house

Time of Day: Dinner Time

Conrad's p.o.v

I cooked dinner for Nic and myself this evening. Nic's quietness and sadness bothers me. "Why are

you not happy? Is it the food or me?" concerned, I ask Nic. "I thank you for cooking dinner. My mind

is elsewhere at the moment. I should've stayed home" Nic admits. I squeeze her hand very tightly.

"I know how much you miss Penelope. I miss our baby too. You were never at fault here" I comfort

her.


	24. A Sudden Abrupt Breakdown & Breakthrough

Nic's p.o.v

A born again death wish

My bittersweet loss

A sudden abrupt breakdown and breakthough

Your dawn that has barely seen daylight

One unspoken and uncounted for hallelujah


	25. To Be Caught and Stuck Underneath

Time Period: An Alternate Universe

Situation: Penelope's birth

Nic's p.o.v

" The baby is starting to crown. I need you to push her pass your pelvis" the doctor instructs me. Tirelessly, I attempt to push the baby out completely. I worry I am not making much progress. Is the opening too small or the baby is super big?


	26. Even As I Wake Up You Are Gone Yet Again

Nic's p.o.v

Even as I wake up you are gone yet again.

Your life has been like a sunset. I bet you

are sleeping in sweet heavenly bliss now. I

will never get a chance to feel you move

inside my womb. I will never get a chance

to say I love you.


	27. A Beautiful Memory and Moment in Time

Conrad's p.o.v

Fire in our young heart's desire

Escaping elsewhere

A beautiful memory and moment in time

Running to catch up with me

A baby angel that has barely reached her prime


	28. Mine and His Miscarriage

Time Period: A Flashback

Situation: Post The Miscarriage-Conrad's late night visit to Nic's house

Nic's p.o.v

Carrying groceries, Conrad catches me resting on the couch. "I have brought over food and

anything else that you may need. I can buy you more stuff if you want me to" Conrad persists.

"You have done enough. I thank you for your help" I tell him.


	29. I Can't Have Anymore Babies

Conrad's p.o.v

Nic has been unusually quiet and solemn at work today. She didn't say hello or look in my

direction. I buy lunch for her and myself. "Thanks" she smiles bringing out the sun. "You

are welcome" I smirk. "This is not the right time to tell you. I must clear my conscience

though" Nic begins making my heart race. "You are pregnant" I assume. Sorrowfully,

she shakes her head no. Sensing something is terribly wrong, I take her hand in mine.

"I remember the miscarriage almost killed me. Now that we are engaged, I visited the

doctor to see if I could get pregnant again. I can't have anymore babies. I know how

much you want to be a father. I am sorry for destroying your dreams" Nic shares

with me. I kiss and hug Nic as a way to express my deep love for her. "I will

always love you" I vow.


	30. Alexandria Kennedy Rory Hawkins

Conrad's p.o.v

Nic slept over at my house the night before. I planned to drive Nic to the

hospital. Nic wanted to get a second opinion on her fertility issues. Tomorrow

rolled around and we were in a rush to leave the house. Everything changed

when a biracial teenage girl appeared on my doorstep. Her name was

Alexandria Kennedy Rory Hawkins. People called her Alex or Alexis

for short. Alexis claimed she was my daughter.


	31. An Unfolding Story: My Stepdaughter Alex

Nic's p.o.v

Before today, I never knew about Conrad's former past life. Who knew Conrad had a teenage

daughter? Conrad denied knowing Alexandria for my sake. I overlooked and dismissed the

fact that Alexandria had his pretty brown eyes. I doubted Alexandria until she showed me

pictures that stretched way back to her childhood. These same pictures restored and refreshed

Conrad's memory bank. He remembered Alex was born on September 11, 2001. He was twenty

years old and married to his highschool sweetheart Joyce at the time. He left Joy and Alex for

medical school eight years later. Telling the truth unburdened and liberated Conrad. I saw him

in a new different light. Alex joined Conrad and me for the long drive to the hospital. "My name is

Nicolette. You can call me Nic. I am your dad's fiancee" I reintroduced myself to Alex.


	32. She Wishes For Impossible Things

Alexandria's p.o.v

I am on the outside looking in.

She wishes for impossible things.

I witness her heart break firsthand.

Her future plans and dreams bite the

dust. I help her out of this quicksand,

emotional turmoil. Did I arrive on the scene

just a little too late or right on time? Genuine

and true, my love gives her strength and wings.

She soars high above and pass these baby blues.

She wishes for impossible things, but her miracle

is on the way.


	33. She Has Come Into Our Lives For A Reason

Time Period: A Flashback

Date: 9-11-2001

Event: Alexandria's birth

Conrad's p.o.v (20 years old)

A frantic nurse storms into the delivery room. "Terrorists have attacked the world trade center in New York. The end is coming" she yells. "A woman is giving birth here. You have no respect for her and her family" the doctor reprimand his colleague. Joyce turns to me for comfort and I can the fear in her pretty brown eyes. "The world has become a dangerous place. Today is a terrible day for a baby to be born" she stresses. "Alexandria is arriving right on time. Her life is both a miracle and a blessing. She has come into our lives for reason. Everything will be okay" I assure my highschool sweetheart who is now my wife. The baby is super close and Joy can't prolong the birth much longer. Our daughter Alexandria Kennedy Rory Hawkins brings hope and joy into our dark world.

* * *

Time Period: The Present Reality

Conrad's p.o.v

When we return home from the bed, Nic heads straight for the bed. I lay down beside and put my arms around her stomach. Alexandria and Joyce who has recently remarried and died in childbirth fade to the background of my mind."We will never have a baby and it is all my fault. I am so sorry, Conrad" Nic sobs hard and long. My heart bleeds and breaks for her. "We should get a third opinion" I suggest. "We will probably get the same results" she predicts. "I apologize for keeping Alex a secret. Alex is not just my little princess, she is yours too. She has come into our lives for a reason. We love you" I console Nic. "I love you and Alex too" she admits.


	34. My Secret Private Loss and Heartache

Nic's p.o.v

When it is really dark outside and Conrad is fast asleep, I look through my keepsake box. I discover old sonogram pictures. Sorrowfully, I remember my twins that were born prematurely and dead many years ago. Their names were Emily Rebecca Nevin and Ace Finn Nevin. I was a naive and immature teenager back then. I wasn't ready to be their mother.


	35. Ephram and The Preemie Twin Baby Angels

Nic's p.o.v continued

Conrad stumbles upon my memory keepsake box in the morning. Apparently, I forgot to put away the box underneath the bed last night. "Who are these babies and this man?" Conrad interrogates me. "You had no right to go through my keepsake box" I argue putting the pictures back into the box. "You have been cheating on me. You are pregnant with twins" Conrad assumes. "I had a boyfriend named Ephram in highschool. We were expecting twins. Ephram never knew the twins because a brain aneurysm before they were born. My stress and grief over his loss caused the twins to be born prematurely. My children, Emily and Ace died at birth" I recount sobbing.


	36. Somewhere Over The Moon

Situation: Conrad is thinking about his loss and Nic's losses

Conrad's p.o.v

A special rare occurrence, your possible great potential.

An unfathomable concept, your unfinished lifework.

A fading memory, your brief existence was a story that ended with a huge cliffhanger.

Vanishing dreams, echoes of what could've should've would've been.

You were as sweet as apple pie.

Loosely knit together, the tie that connected us came undone too easily and quickly.

Born to die, your body was worn out like paper.

The thorn in your side never disappeared.

Born to die, you were torn away from me too soon.

Somewhere over the moon, you now rest in peace.


	37. With Same or Different DNA, We're Family

Alexandria's p.o.v

Inconsiderate, I interrupt my dad's time with Nic in their bedroom. They are sharing an emotional moment. "Please do come in, princess" Dad invites me. He makes a spot for me on the bed. Nic and him grab ahold of my hands. "I remember I left you and your mom for medical school. If I haven't told you before, I apologize for abandoning you and your mom. Your mom and I should've made amends before she remarried and died in childbirth " Dad apologizes. "We forgive you" I emphasize with a hug.


	38. In This Heavy Silence & Space Between Us

Nic's p.o.v

In this heavy silence and space between us,

there is a huge hole in the world and my

heart. Your loss has rocked and shaken

me. I miss your presence so much.

I forgive you for leaving me prematurely.

You had a higher purpose and calling.

Getting used to your absence

will get easier and better

with time. In this heavy

silence and space

between us, I

have found

joy and

peace of mind.


	39. March of Dimes and Diamonds

Situation: Newly married, Conrad and Nic are trying to have a baby

Conrad's p.o.v

A march of dimes and diamonds, a drastic change of priorities. Dangerously high hopes, infant bliss, a nine month miracle in the making. A majestic beauty, one magical dreamlike state of mind. Newborn hope, different colors of the rainbow, impending confetti. Marigold, echoes of many wild good times, sacred holy matrimony. Several storybook pages yet to be read, educational milestones. Never ending success, continuous prosperity, Eden's lost hidden treasures.


	40. A False Alarm and Hope

Place: The Hawkins' house

Action: Quietly, Nic returns home from Walgreens where she brought a pregnancy test

Conrad (making a sandwich in the kitchen): You brought a pregnancy test?!

Nic (anxious): I am late

Conrad: You're late?

Nic: I might be pregnant

Conrad: When are you going to take the test?

Nic (going into the downstairs guest bathroom): Right now

Conrad: I will be here when you're done

Devastating Heartbreaking moment: Anxiously and patiently, Conrad and Nic wait for the test results. The test results turn out to be negative. They cherish Alexandria and take care of her until otherwise.

* * *

Place: The hospital

Situation: A False Alarm

Scene: A room

Action: Nervous, Nic waits for her test results. Conrad is with her.

Nic (rubbing her stomach): I have been experiencing symptoms of pregnancy. What if it is a false alarm?

Conrad (holding Nic's hand): Your test results will be positive

Nic (nervous): I do hope so too

A Nurse (walks into the room bearing Nic's test results): I have your blood test results for you

Nic (hopeful): I am pregnant?!

A Nurse (reading Nic's test results): No, you are not pregnant. It was just a false alarm.

Conrad (choked up, he squeezes Nic's hand): We will try again, honey

Nic (devastated): If I am not pregnant then whats wrong with me?

The Nurse: Do you have any stress in your life?

Nic: I blame all the stress on my infertility problems. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant.

The Nurse: It is possible for stress to decrease your chances of getting pregnant. You need to take time out to rest and relax.

Nic: Relaxing, its not quite that easy

The Nurse (leaving the room): Don't worry, you will get pregnant soon

(Solemn, Nic and Conrad return home where they find comfort in each other's arms)


	41. Nolan Nevin Hawkins

Time Period: A Flashback

Situation: Nic discovers that she is pregnant

Nic's p.o.v

Flulike symptoms prevented me from going to work today. I kept on running to the bathroom where I vomited in the toilet. Alexandria took care of me in Conrad's absence. He would call me during his shift changes or break times. We danced around the idea that I could've been pregnant.


	42. The Collapsing Glass Ceiling

Alexandria's p.o.v

Today is a national holiday. This national holiday had been designated for parents take their kids to work. Nic is still on maternity leave, therefore I had Dad all to myself. We toured Chastain and met some of his coworkers. I could imagine myself working here at the hospital someday. Due to dehydration or a heart defect, I fainted in the hallway.


	43. Rising Looming Uncertainty and Anxiety

Conrad's p.o.v

Rising looming uncertainty and anxiety

Your unconscious state

A matter of life or death


	44. I Got This So You Can Stay Home & Rest

Conrad's p.o.v

I have known about Alexandria's heart issue since her birth. Besides medical school, I abandoned my family because I couldn't deal with Alexandria's heart issue. I assume Alexandria was kicked out of the house that she shared with her stepdad because her stepdad couldn't handle both a newborn and her heart condition. Anyhow, I am torn between worrying about Alexandria and my patients in the present time. "I got this so you can stay home and rest" I assure Nic who is on maternity leave over the phone.


	45. Cradling and Nursing Your Bleeding Heart

Nic's p.o.v

Cradling and nursing your bleeding heart

Let me look after you this time around

A smile and a hug is a silent prayer from my soul to yours

Your hope and faith overshadows your current fragile condition

Even through disappointment, you remain content


	46. Karma is not so bad Because I Deserve It

Alexandria's p.o.v

I recovered so fast that I was allowed to go home. Dad couldn't stop working, therefore Nic had to drive me home. She put me on mandatory bed rest. Her attention and time were split between my step brother and me. I didn't mind if she tended to him first before me. I have become accustomed to being abandoned. Karma is not so bad because I deserve it.


	47. Your Life and Dreams Do Matter To Me

Conrad's p.o.v

I am tired, but I make time for my wife and kids when I get home from work. Alexandria has been put on strict mandatory bedrest. She eats all her meals in her bedroom. I check on my little princess before I go to bed. "How are you feeling?" I ask my little princess. "I am on the mend" she assures me with a smile. "I bet your mom's husband kicked you out of the house because of your heart condition. You are not a big burden on me. I am glad and grateful that you are staying with me. Your life and dreams do matter to me" I admit.


	48. Please Let Me Show You That I Do Care

Conrad's p.o.v

Certain people wouldn't notice

if you freeze up again like an ice cube.

You are on the mend, but you feel as if you

are back at square one. Please let me show you

that I do care.


	49. The Birth of A Butterfly Heart

Alexandria's p.o.v

A dawn of a new life

Universal hope and joy

Rosy happy brand new year

ON the threshold of a dream

Red bleeding heart of mine beat on

All things are made new again and I feel comfortable living in my own skin


End file.
